A Ray of Sunshine.

Lately, I have been feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out. Sometimes you get to a point where you feel as though you're digging yourself into a deeper hole and just cannot find a way to get out. Usually I am the type of person who does not ask for help, I feel like I must be Super Woman and do it all myself.

Thanks to certain people encouraging me to ask for help and letting me know that it is okay and reminding me that it doesn't take away from what I do actually do, I am starting to feel the weight lift slightly from my shoulders.

Sometimes it takes a little more for those of us who are prideful to open up and let another person help us but I am so thankful that I did. I can finally see a ray of sun light shining through the clouds of gray that have been following me around over the past few weeks. I am caught up at work and have delegated my minor tasks to those around me so now as a team we are able to accomplish more and I am able to get things of higher importance taken care of and not stress completely out. School, I am starting to catch a breath and have a more positive outlook that things will get better after mid-terms.

Finally, I am able to breathe a little easier. I guess it just takes time, patience and the willingness to ask for help when you need it.

Falling in Love

Falling in love..I honestly never thought it would happen to me. Yes, I am the girl who loves romantic comedies, cries at almost everything and says, "awww" all of the time but underneath this sweet, smiling exterior is a barb-wired fence around my heart. I was honestly terrified to be hurt, to let someone in to that deeper part of my soul that no one else knows, but it happened. Our story is one I would never trade.

I always asked, "how do you know you're in love?" and I would always get the same response, "you just know." I was always baffled by their response, like does it hit you like a bus, or what happens? When it happened to me, I finally understood. There is no way to explain it, its subtle but loud and it just happens, in moments.

For me, I looked at him, smiled and thought, "man, I love him." At that moment, I'm pretty sure I asked myself what? Love? I honestly didn't have too much time to dissect the actual thought or emotion, nor did I want to. I accepted it. There I sat, staring and smiling at the man I love, THE MAN I LOVE. It still surprises me sometimes. I had never been in love or known what love was until this moment and I honestly couldn't be more happy.

Take a Breath

Wow,  we are only twenty-two days into the year and already I am in need of a break or so it seems.

Going into this year, I was so excited... my personal and professional life could not have been better. I was starting a new chapter in my life and was anxious to see what the new year was going to bring my way but boy, I tell you, things suddenly hit me.

I am more often than not a pretty upbeat and positive person, not really a "Debbie-downer." You usually can count on me to cheer you up and remind you that things will get better. Over the last week, I will unwillingly admit that I may have taken on a little more than I can handle; I guess my planner isn't really doing it's job :/ At work, I may have spread myself a little too thin, trying to be the one that everyone can count on and get it all done within a nine-ten hour day. Did I mention that my company was moving last week which was about one of the most stressful things to handle on top of my usual tasks? School? That's a job in it's own and this is ONLY the third week. Of course to top it all off, there's my personal life, trying to make time for my love, his family, my family and our friends PLUS trying to keep up with my home life. I could ramble all day, I know this isn't bad compared to most and I promise I'm not a complainer but I just feel like I'm in a rut that is weighing me down and I can't seem to pull myself up. I just have to try a little harder to STOP, take a breath and keep thinking positive. Eventually my rough few days will be smooth sailing...hopefully SOON.

The Day That Changed Me Forever

I knew something was different this time, I could feel it in my gut. I sat at my desk like any other day, my phone rang and I saw the number, that number and my stomach dropped. I got up, called that number from my manager's desk and I heard the voice on the other end. I explained who I was and all I heard on the other end was, "I need to speak to the eldest, I recommend that all her kids be her with her." I dropped the phone and broke down crying. It was a haze. I remember someone walking me to the car and off I went. Never had I drove quicker. It felt like moments before I had arrived to the hospital. I rushed upstairs and walked into the room. There I stood alone in silence looking at the woman who gave me life. I stepped out in tears and asked the nurse what was going on, all he kept telling me is I had to wait for my sister. Minutes later, she arrived and we asked again; they muttered the words that will never sound faint to me, "there is nothing else we can do."

We stepped back into the room, stood by her bed, held her hand and with tears streaming down our face told her we loved her and kissed her forehead. She was unresponsive but still breathing; she could see us but not speak to us. We stayed by her side the entire time and watched as family piled in and said their goodbyes. The day continued on, it felt like forever. Every minute of that day broke a part of my soul a little more. They told us we had time, so we were going to meet with Hospice at 2 pm to see what our options were but apparently there was an alternate plan in the works. Before our appointment, the doctors told us it doesn't look like she'll have more than a day or so. We continued to try and get our brother down here to Florida as soon as possible but it was difficult.

Evening approached and my sister and I weren't at our strongest points, we were both feeling sick and weak and a million other things that I couldn't explain to you all, even if I tried. I sent her, her husband and her children off to get food so at least they would have somewhat of a strength to get us through what was undeniably going to be the longest night of our lives thus far.

One thing that you should know about me is that I always and I mean always had my phone or phones with me at all times while my mom was sick.

Right after my sister and her family stepped out, the nurse walked into the crowded ICU waiting room filled with my family members and asked to speak with the daughter which was me. I got up and left both phones sitting on a chair. As soon as I walked out the nurse looked at me and sadly said, "she has minutes." I freaked out, ran back to call my sister but by the time I called her, turned around and walked into the room, there I saw the nurse unplugging the machines. It happened. Seconds had passed and just like that, Heaven had received another angel. My heart dropped, I panicked, I cried and I didn't want to let go. My sister walked in and she too broke down. After our goodbyes, family members shuffled in and we said a prayer.

That moment lives on in me forever, speaking of it, writing about it, thinking about it; all of it still plays vividly in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY. That day changed me forever. At first, it crushed me and I crumbled. It took months and months and months for me to slowly pick up the pieces and rebuild myself. The person talking to you today is a lot stronger, a lot wiser, a lot happier than the girl that stepped into that hospital almost thirty months ago. Now accepting that she is in a better place and no longer suffering; I go on every day doing better each one for her, my once on Earth Guardian Angel now in Heaven.